Well, that was a very unintended break! Life just happened, I guess. Three year olds have needs. Marriages need to be nurtured. Houses need to be cleaned. Food always needs to be prepared, and with that the dishes never end (one day we’ll have a dishwasher again, oh Lord Jesus let it be quickly).
A day doesn’t go by without my heart and hands desiring to write. This season is one of such unpredictability and yet, at the same time, it’s the everyday mundane tasks that are my priority right now. As I typed that last sentence I could hear “mom, see me!” from a few feet away. The curtains next to me hid the shape of a precious little boy who has captured my heart in ways I could never have imagined. God is so kind.
In less than a month we will celebrate one year with this precious gift. One year since the phone call that changed our lives. One year since J showed up at our doorstep with two case workers, stacks of paperwork in their hands, and a few bags of toys and clothes. He played with wooden trains from IKEA and jumped off our ottomans. We sat in a blur signing our names to that stack of paperwork. I’m sure neither of our signatures were legible.
Motherhood has been one of the most natural transitions for me. It hasn’t been easy at all (ha!), and the list of mistakes I have made in these short eleven months is embarrassingly never-ending. But, even in the midst of that, becoming a mom has been comfortingly natural. Maybe it’s partially due to how long we waited for this gift? That waiting season was the most intense season I’ve ever endured. It was emotionally and spiritually draining, and felt like it would never end. My faith and my heart were shaken to the core at times. And then, over the course of four tiny little hours, everything changed. The emotional and spiritual fatigue from a three-year-wait quickly transitioned to the physical fatigue that accompanies caring for an almost three-year-old boy.
I. Am. So. Tired.
Yet, I can’t let go of Psalm 126, one of many Psalms that I clung to towards the end of our wait. This one was a favorite of mine and brought hope when nothing else would. Because truly, nothing else is able to bring hope like the living Word of God.
For three long years countless tears were sown. By God’s grace invested, and I pray not wasted. I could do nothing but trust that we would eventually reap with shouts of joy and mouths full of laughter (Psalm 126:2). I knew that even if God didn’t give us the desires of our hearts He would still be good. Oh so good. Yet, I longed to be able to shout from the rooftops “The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad” (Psalm 126:3). That was my prayer over and over again.
On July 21, 2014, we were able to shout those words we had been longing to shout. Although it was with a bit of fear and trepidation in our voices, and possibly even a question mark on the end. Having an almost three-year-old boy dropped into your care the day you get home from vacation shakes you up a bit. We didn’t catch our breath for quite a few days after that. “Life-changing” is putting it extremely lightly.
As I sit here now, we’re just beginning to see movement forward in the legal process that will (hopefully, Lord willing) lead to the adoption of our little guy. We truly believe it would be best for him to stay with us, and believe me, reunification with his birthparents was something we wrestled with for a long time. What is going to be best for him? Only God knows the outcome of our case.
By God’s grace, I haven’t spent much time in the past eleven months fretting about it. Hardly at all, to be honest. “Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34). Having a precious child to care for seems to put things into perspective I guess. Life is much more full now than it was a year ago.
If our little J stays, God is good. If he leaves, God is still good. Either way, I pray my heart would cry “The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.” If our time with J does come to an end, I can’t imagine believing that every second with him wasn’t ordained by God. Each second being his mommy has been, and always will be, an enormous privilege.